EXPLORING THE WORLD OF DATING

Since living my life as a single person, I have decided to explore the world of dating once again. The reason for this wasn’t entirely to find someone to fill in the empty spot. Instead, I just wanted to experience the world of dating. You see, I married my first love – got engaged after 3 months of dating and tied the knot a year later. I have very little knowledge of how things work in dating. My knowledge was limited to whatever the magic box and my romantic novels fed me.

“As in other journeys in life, this too needed a plan,” I thought. Since my confidence level wasn’t great and I still felt alien to the whole world of mingling and being sociable with the others, I signed up in a dating site. Okay, okay, I will be completely honest – I signed up in 3 dating sites. For the first week, I received at least 5 messages a day. But I did not reply all of them. I took my own sweet time to analyse their profile and only replied to those who I thought were quite appealing to me.

What’s appealing to me? Well honestly, like other females I am very much attracted to a handsome lad with a gorgeous smile. However, my definition of handsome and gorgeousness may differ from the rest of my female clan. Even my daughter makes a habit of criticizing my taste in men. You see, I am very much attracted to men who are intelligent and smart. My definition of handsome guys are those who seem matured and manly. Gorgeous smile refers to the simple, sweet, honest smile. You may think it isn’t difficult to find a nice chap who is intelligent and has a good smile, but based on my experience, I can definitely tell you otherwise.

My first few encounters through the dating site were foreign guys. Thanks to Skype, Yahoo Messenger and MSN, I had the opportunity to share a few pleasant conversations with them. They were very charming, funny and quite attractive. However, after a few weeks, I realised few of them were actually scammers who were looking for financial aids.

One guy named Gerry, who claimed to be a Spain citizen working  in London confessed his love on the second week of our acquaintance and made plans (without even asking me if I felt the same) to migrate to Malaysia. He mentioned about making arrangements with some real estate agents in Kuala Lumpur to purchase a bungalow. All these plans and endless talks about how great our life was going to be actually seemed absurd to me. How in the hell can a person fall in love with someone thousands of miles away, whom they haven’t met in person?

As an intelligent woman myself, I didn’t believe a single thing Gerry said but I did enjoy our conversations, so I just let him continue with whatever bullshit he was saying. Then one fine day, a week before he was supposed to meet me in KL, he told me that he was having difficulty in paying off his workers as his account has been frozen for some reason in Spain and requested if I could wire some RM50k cash to his company in London.

The first thing I did when I received his text message was laugh! Finally what I suspected all along has been proven. So I called him (yes, I made a long distance call to a scammer). I said, “..lo estúpido que cree usted que soy? Lo sentimos, pero usted tiene a la persona equivocada, mi amor..” (thanks to google, now every language is on our finger tips!). To those wondering what that meant: “How stupid do you think I am? I am sorry but you got the wrong person, hunny!” . Guess what was his response? LOL! The moron couldn’t even respond because he did not understand a word I said! So much for someone who claims to be from Spain, eh?

That was the last time I chatted with a foreigner. All my acquaintance after that episode were Malaysians.

That reminds me of Fariz. A bubbly Malay chap who was vibrant, bright, intelligent, sarcastic, funny and very different from the other Malays I have ever met. We chatted for almost a month before deciding to meet. Our first encounter was pleasant and I definitely felt the attraction – not that he was a George Clooney or Gerard Butler, but he had his own unique attraction. After our first date, I received a text from him about what he thought of me. (This is the actual sms I received):

“...A little bit reserved, maybe cos its just the first meet up. Opinionated but not in a negative way. A thinker. I think we can have intelligent conversations together! (or arguments). Errr... You mind if I say you’re quite hot...? I have to think some more – I’m generally not very good at this, especially at this time of night!...”

We continued chatting quite often after that and every time we met, it was always exciting.  We used to talk about politics, religion, movies, gossips and everything that came to mind. Seemed like I found the perfect guy – someone who could be my best friend and at the same time offer me great companionship.

But I guess it was all too good to be true. You see, Fariz’s wife left him because she was a career woman while he was all ready to start a family. After many years persuading her, he too finally gave up and they both got a divorce. So how am I, a woman who has lost the ability to conceive be a good match for this sweet guy? Clearly he must have missed the part in my profile (on the dating site) which clearly states that I do not wish to have kids in future. Well, shit happens. And so I moved on.

I guess as human beings, we have been programmed to have a desire to love and be loved. As such, I too continued seeking. Most of the guys I met after Fariz were either looking for ‘friends with benefits’, or were really into this dating game, looking to find a life partner. I wasn’t interested in neither. I am no saint but I am just not the kinda gal who would sleep around. And I wasn’t really ready to make the same mistake I did before by tying the knot like there was no tomorrow.

Once, I met a politician (he lost in the last election). He was much older (and shorter) than me. I remember him very well because he was the only one who dare grab my hand on our first date. Besides that, he would drive different cars (with single digit car registration number) whenever we met. He talked big about his company and his other businesses. I thought he was trying too hard to impress me, so I did a little investigation and found out the guy was actually telling the truth – he was a big shot after all. Soon, he requested to meet my parents and planned for our vacations together. At this point, I could almost see red lights blinking everywhere!

Perhaps he thought all ladies are the same. Show them a little bling-bling and they would drool all over you! Well, excuse me, I ain’t no bitch who would go gugu-gaga to dollar sign. Plus he honestly sucked at conversations. All he says is ‘Cakaplah...suara you manis dan sedap di dengar. Cakaplah...I suka dengar suara you. Cakaplah...’. Tired of talking non-stop like a newsreader, I decided to call it a quit. But the dude wasn’t ready to let go! For weeks he stalked me at my condo (a word of advice: NEVER let a guy send you home on a first date, he can by all means turn out to be a lunatic!) and called/texted me endlessly.

Next was a guy who travelled most of his life. He wanted to find someone who made him feel like home. Upon learning that we both shared many similarities, I decided to meet him.  Though he looked 10 years older than his profile picture, it didn’t really bother me because he still looked good and he had so many stories to share with me. He could talk and talk and talk and talk endlessly. The bad news was he wasn’t interested in anything I had to say. Every time I wanted to share my views, he would cut me off. Weirdly enough, instead of me refusing to go out on another date with him, he made it clear he wasn’t interested anymore. I guess the fact that I was much, much taller than him bruised his ego (and I wasn’t even wearing my heels!).

Then there was another charming dude, a single father. He was very cheeky and funny. We chatted for almost 2 weeks but never got to meet face to face. You see, at this point, I wasn’t desperate to find a man. I was more interested to keep the ball rolling and have fun along the way. So I was in no pressure to appear delightful or to giggle at every stupid joke a guy makes. I was practically being my true self.

Well, anyway, as we were chatting as we usually do, he asked me what I was doing and I told him I was updating my Facebook status. Then he started to lecture me about FB being used by Jews to mess with Muslims mind. I explained to him that even tv or laptop can mess with our minds if we let it - it all depends on how disciplined we are. However, he continued making rather idiotic remarks about how Muslims should adhere to the fatwas as decided by the Malaysian mufti and failing to do so can be considered a sin. So I asked him if he smokes. He said yes. “How can you consider yourself a true Muslim if you smoke when our mufti has clearly declared fatwas that says smoking for Muslims is equivalent to suicide and such it should be prohibited?” That was the last conversation I had with the hypocrite.

Then there was a businessman from Terengganu who contacted me on behalf of his friend who was apparently a very shy guy. But after a few conversations, he confessed that he liked me and would like to pursue a relationship. Everything looked fine except the fact that he was the same age as my mom and has a wife plus a dozen kids back in Terengganu! Yet, he tried to persuade me into agreeing to a contractual marriage. Sigh. Men!

After a few months, I got tired of dating online. Though I met a few nice chaps and they seem to be interested as well, but the fact that I came with excess baggage (my children) wasn’t something appealing to them. I understand it can be difficult for a man to date a woman with a child (and here I am with 2 kids!) especially when the child is living with the mother. Badabing badaboom – instant family is what they get! That’s a lot to take in especially if the man was only interested in the woman or if he wants to have a little bundle of joy of his own.

I have dated many men who enjoyed my company and would ask me out almost every week -  we would have fun watching movies, dining, shopping or just go for a spin around the city. But after the day out, they would disappear into their own world until it was time to have fun once more. I thought it was quite ridiculous. Forget the fact that we were dating, even as friends, we should always keep in touch even as simple as texting each other asking how ones day was, etc. But to reach out only once a week seem like my role was merely to fill in some empty spot in someone’s weekly planner and I didn’t like that one bit.

“So what’s next?” I asked myself. The crazy personality in me shouted to do something outrages, something totally mad and something I wouldn’t normally do. So I registered in a matchmaking agency, LOL! Now, I wasn’t all out to look for a soul mate. I simply want to explore my singlehood and if ultimately I do find my companion, then that’s fine.

Anyway, back to the matchmaking agency – yes, I did pay them to find me dates. But in this illogical mind of mine, I thought it would be a good investment. You see, the agency only accepts professionals, so I am guaranteed of good men. I signed up for 5 introductions, so dinner with each of them would clearly make a breakeven plus I would end up having good acquaintances. Oh man, was I wrong or what!

The way this matchmaking thingy work is you are not given a picture of the person you shall be seeing. Instead, the agency will find you the best match and inform you of their profile. Upon your agreement, your contact number will be handed over to the guy and vice versa.

The first guy I was supposed to meet was said to be of a mixed race, Muslim guy, has his own business, divorcee, doesn’t have kids and is ok with me having 2 kids. So I was quite excited to meet this dude. But it was a major disappointment when I found out that this guy was actually someone I met before through online dating. Frankly speaking, he was the guy who wanted a goodnite kiss (French style) at the end of our first date. Eager to know how my date went with him? Well, let me put it this way – it would entitle a spot in Malaysian Book of Records as the shortest date ever!

The second guy was a Chinese Muslim who refused to chat on the phone, instead wanted to meet personally. Guess what? The dickhead stood me up! And that’s the end of his story.

The third guy was a Middle East-Caucasian mixed. During our first chat on the phone, he insisted that he wanted to know how I looked like before meeting me in person. So we added each other in our Facebook. He was indeed a darn good looking fellow! Great profile too. He had pictures of him with the Prime Minister, the King and some famous figures in his Facebook photo album.

I guess he must’ve liked what he saw because he called me soon after for a chat. But our chat soon turned out to be a disaster. In the process of getting to know each other, he asked me what my dream was. So I shared the simple dream that I have. Apparently my dream wasn’t good enough for him.

He had the balls to tell me, “Do you call that a dream? Dreams should be something big, something spectacular. How can you call yourself a writer and not be able to have a fantastic dream? You should be creative as a writer and your simple dream doesn’t justify your profession as a writer! Now take my dream for example, I dream of having a huge bungalow on a hilly area with beautiful garden and pool and blablablablabla...”.

I just lost it that day. “Excuse me, it is MY dream. So it is up to me to decide what its gonna be. I can be a writer, I can be the fucking queen but that doesn’t mean I should make up a dream – that is NOT a dream, that is a fantasy,” I said.

But the asshole just couldn’t deal with it. He continued making a big fuss, listing down why my dream isn’t good enough. So to cut things short, I told him to go and suck his own ****. Oh yes I did!

Now, here comes the fourth guy – a Pakistani businessman who owns few shops in Jalan Masjid India. Ok, let me simplify it – no looks, not good in conversation, bad English, bad Malay, bad sense of fashion and smelled like Bangla.

So do you think I would go for my fifth introduction? Well, I called in a day later and requested they freeze my account. I guess I made a total loss! What the heck – shit happens (though it looks like happening a lot to me lately).

As funny as it might seem, the entire episode of dating and meeting people actually made me a better person. I realise my own worth. I realise that I am a special person who shouldn’t be compromising on who I should be with. I deserve someone special. No. I deserve someone fantastic! And if that fantastic someone doesn’t show up on my door step, then it is fine. But I shall not settle for anyone less.

Throughout these dating ordeal, I have learnt a valueable lesson: If you cannot find peace in yourself, it is futile to search for it elsewhere. In other words, if you are looking for absolute fulfilment in another person, you are setting yourself up for failure.

Many start to date for the sake of dating. Dating, in the sense that I have defined it, is an intentional decision utilized to determine romantic possibilities. Anything done out of boredom does not imply a desire to love someone else, but a desire to remove the boredom by using the other person. You may be bored and want to date someone because you have nothing better to do. The person you are on the date with may already be planning the wedding. Feelings have a tendency to spring up when two people spend a lot of time together. If you are with the person for your own comfort, then you are dating for the wrong reasons. Pity and boredom have no place in establishing a dating relationship.

I now have given up dating. But I still find pleasure in meeting people. I just lay my cards on the table and ensure I am not sending false signals to them. I make it clear that friendship is all I can offer for the time being.