Today is the 10th of August 2011. This is a very significant date for me. Exactly one year ago on this date, my husband at that time finally agreed to divorce me in the court of law. After a battle of pointing fingers, accusing who did what and the reason for the break in our marriage, he finally agreed to let me go. This date is meaningful to me because this is when I got my indipendence. So for my 1 year anniversary of gaining freedom to rule my own life, I am sharing a little something I wrote as I was struggling sometime last year...
September 2nd, 2010.
I have never believed in the social system. The social system which forces us to live our lives according to the norms, standards and cultures of its members. I am an individual and I set my own rules, I refuse to be refined by anyone else. Yet the hurtful things people say about me and my divorce is killing my spirit bit by bit.
As I type this, I feel the lump in my throat, so huge I can barely swallow. After 8 months of separation, I am finally free to live my life but I don't feel the relief I was hoping for. There's nothing but dread. I dread meeting people I know and having to explain what has happened, over and over again. I dread hearing the nasty things people say behind my back.
Right now, I just don't want anybody around me. I have been poked and tormented emotionally. I want to be on my own to grieve. I want to feel sorry for myself for wasting 14 precious years of my life. I don't want to hear any sympathetic words. I want to be illogical, self-pitying, self-examining, bitter and lost.
As I lay here on my cheap Dunlopillo, my head is wandering much. At times it has stalled in its wandering but not tonight. My mind has bounced from numbness to feeling too much. I realise I am digging deep to find a memory of our marriage. Why? Could it be to console myself? I don't know...
A relationship which was built based on love, trust and hope has now collapsed. I always thought our marriage could survive anything as long as we both tried. But then I found myself having to try to try. I dug beneath the layers of complexities we'd created over the 14 years to get to the beginning of the relationship.
What was it that we had then that I feel is lacking now? What was the thing that could make two people want to promise one another to spend every day of the rest of their lives together? Yes, it was a thing called love. A small simple word. If only it didn't mean so much, our marriage could be flawless.
I had no choice but to seek a divorce. I dread going back to a loveless marriage.I dread giving myself to someone I had no feelings for.
I dread living every day of the rest of my life hoping I was somewhere else. And all I want is...love.
Love. Love gives meaning to our lives - as do family, friendship and faith in God. But there is the other side. There is the cruelty of life, the pain, the evil. It is between these two that we live our past, present and future. Though I am severely hurt by some, I can never forget those who lent me their shoulders to cry on and gave me strength to move on.
When I look at the short duration of my life, I am frightened and astonished at being here. I know there is a reason for everything. There is a reason for my marriage. A damn good one - my kids!
I am here today, living my life alone because I chose to. It is simply because I am just that imporant to me. I deserve happiness. I deserve a peaceful life. I deserve everything everything this world has to offer. But most of all...I deserve to be loved as much as I want to love. I deserve love.
And so today, I free myself from the memories of yesterday and I shall embark on my journey to seek love. I truly believe there is someone, somewhere, waiting for me...
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